As soon as I pulled into the parking lot at the daycare this morning, it hit me. Picture Day. I surveyed the boys as they piled out of the car. Shey: red t-shirt, with navy pants. ok, not so bad. Peyton: bright orange Power Rangers shirt and jeans. ehhhh, could be better.
I didn't say anything though, thinking it was just the group pictures, so he'd be ok. We walked in to the pre-k classroom and almost all the kids were dressed to the nines with their button down shirts and slacks and slicked back hair. uh, Peyton didn't even get a bath last night. (we went to see the shark feeding at the local pet store though, so way cooler, right?) I wouldn't have felt so bad, but as soon as he walked to the circle, this one little loud mouth girl said, "You look bad for the pictures." Peyton just looked at her like, uh? and sat down by who his friend. I've never wanted to bitch slap a child so much in my life. I walked out of the room instead, took Shey to his room, where none of the kids were dressed up, and then left. As I walked out, this one mom who has boy/girl twins was walking up. They are always immaculate and today was no exception. Little matching black and red outfits.
I made it to the car before turning around and walking back into the school. I went to Peyton and whispered, "Do you want me to get you another shirt, or do you want to wear this one." He looked down and said, "Wear this one." I nodded, said I love you and left, a lump in my throat.
It's not that he's wearing a Power Rangers shirt for pictures, because really, he's a kid, it was more the feeling lately that I just can't pull it together. I don't have anything much going on at work, and I think it's getting to me. I'm actually *gasp* bored of surfing the Internet. But the thing is, now that I am in such a rut and even bored, I don't want to get out of it. I have become complacent. When I get home at night, all I want to do it sit even though that's what I've been doing all day. And if I'm being blatantly honest, I don't even want to do anything with the boys. Peyton talks incessantly and Shey has become so clingy that I want to scream. I'm not depressed, I'm not happy, I'm worse. I'm just here. It's a funk. and a selfish one at that. I don't want to do anything.
I've been searching around and I think I may have a hormonal imbalance. I've never been regular, it took us forever to get pregnant because I didn't ovulate on my own, I have virtually no sex drive or energy for that matter. I think I'm going to get a good multi-vitamin and maybe something geared towards women's hormones and see if it helps.