My high school boyfriend, Robert, loved Brooks and Dunn, the country duo. We listened to their music quite a bit and went to two of their concerts during our tenure together. The first concert was in Birmingham and occurred after one of our break-ups and getting back togethers. I remember standing beside Robert, listening to "That Ain't No Way to Go," looking up at him and seeing tears running down his cheeks.
"Lipstick letter 'cross our mirror this morning saying 'Goodbye, Baby', you left without warning. Like a thief in the night, you ran away with my heart."
He told me later that he had been so upset when I broke up with him and that he felt it had come out of nowhere. I can't remember now the exact circumstances of the break up, but I do remember that moment and the love I felt for him in that space and time.
After we broke up for good and Larry and I started dating, I didn't necessarily stay clear of Brooks and Dunn, but I didn't seek them out either. Not sure if it was a subconscious decision, or just because Robert always liked them more than me.
They've played several times in our area and we've never been. I didn't think I knew enough of their songs anymore to warrant the price of admission and Larry never expressed an interest in their music.
We found out recently though that Brooks and Dunn were beginning their last tour and I decided it would be nice to see them one last time. They always did put on a good show. We were going to purchase lawn seats, but a few days before the concert, my boss offered me his seats, which were great. Thirteen rows back and near the end of the row.
Larry and I had a great time. The group still puts on a great, high energy concert and I was surprised that I still know all of their songs. They didn't play "That Ain't No Way to Go," but they did play another oldie that was amazing, "I Believe"
"I raise my hands, bow my head
I'm finding more and more truth in the words written in red
They tell me that there's more to life than just what I can see
Oh I believe"
I could feel the emotion running through the crowd and tears welled up in my eyes.
Sometimes it is incredibly hard to do the things I know I should while living down here, so far from my family and friends that are active church goers. I admit that I don't go every week, but I do make a point to not let too much time pass between services. And I always take the boys, even when they would rather stay home with Larry. My momma always said, "Marry a Christian Man", but I didn't get it. She went to church alone (well, with me) and I didn't realize what a big deal it was. I love Larry and I don't regret marrying him, but I do wish he would go to church with me and be involved.
When "I Believe" was playing though, I felt this sense of peace. A sense that it would work out and eventually, he will come around. All of the sudden, Brooks and Dunn took on a whole new meaning in my memories of life.
I've been listening more lately, with my spiritual ears. Hearing God talk to me through other people, the radio, sermons, and now country songs. There are some changes coming to our household, possibly financial, which I can't talk about yet, and hopefully spiritual too. I'm going to just keep praying and listening.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Friends
This weekend, my high school graduating class celebrated its 15th year of freedom and can I just say that I feel incredibly blessed. While high school is high school, I can't say that I just hated that time in my life. Of course, classes drug on and on, boyfriends, well a boyfriend, broke my heart several times, and self confidence was not always high, but I had friends. Real friends.
Many of my classmates were together from elementary school, as early as first or second grade and those that came later, joined us in junior high. There were so few of us, that we had to stick together. Some of my best girlfriends were in chorus with me for four years, sharing adventures with Mr. T., trips all over the south and our weekly Sunday night performances. Most of these girls also went to the same church, which included more trips together, youth group fun and hanging out most weekends. These are the girls that I made up crazy stories with, shared intimate details of my life with and leaned on to make it through the school day.
After we graduated, some of us drifted for a while, but with facebook and blogging, we've been able to reconnect over the past five years and I am so grateful. I'm not sure if it is because I don't have any siblings, but there's just something about having friends who have known me for years and years. I loved being able to laugh with them over the crazy things we did in high school. To know that our paths may have woven through life differently, but they still love me for me.
I know any of the women that I spent time with this weekend would drop anything to help me out and I would do the same for them. I love you guys and can't wait to see you again!
PS - Next time, we must take pictures!
Many of my classmates were together from elementary school, as early as first or second grade and those that came later, joined us in junior high. There were so few of us, that we had to stick together. Some of my best girlfriends were in chorus with me for four years, sharing adventures with Mr. T., trips all over the south and our weekly Sunday night performances. Most of these girls also went to the same church, which included more trips together, youth group fun and hanging out most weekends. These are the girls that I made up crazy stories with, shared intimate details of my life with and leaned on to make it through the school day.
After we graduated, some of us drifted for a while, but with facebook and blogging, we've been able to reconnect over the past five years and I am so grateful. I'm not sure if it is because I don't have any siblings, but there's just something about having friends who have known me for years and years. I loved being able to laugh with them over the crazy things we did in high school. To know that our paths may have woven through life differently, but they still love me for me.
I know any of the women that I spent time with this weekend would drop anything to help me out and I would do the same for them. I love you guys and can't wait to see you again!
PS - Next time, we must take pictures!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
And one more Lost observation
And, here's my other issue/question . . .
It really makes no sense for The Mother and MIB to be the Adam and Eve Skeleton. It is obvious that the smoke monster re-inhabits MIB's body because of the conversation Jacob and he have on the beach as the Black Rock approaches, which occurred long after his body was killed and Jacob laid the two of them to rest in the cave. So, we are to believe that the smoke monster got back into the MIB's body, ran around the island for a while and then laid back down at sometime to become the skeleton?
I think it made much more sense for the skeletons to be Rose and Bernard's bodies after the hydro bomb went off.
Ok, I know there are a ton of other questions that will not be answered and most of them I can live with or have forgotten about, but that break in continuity just really bugs me.
It really makes no sense for The Mother and MIB to be the Adam and Eve Skeleton. It is obvious that the smoke monster re-inhabits MIB's body because of the conversation Jacob and he have on the beach as the Black Rock approaches, which occurred long after his body was killed and Jacob laid the two of them to rest in the cave. So, we are to believe that the smoke monster got back into the MIB's body, ran around the island for a while and then laid back down at sometime to become the skeleton?
I think it made much more sense for the skeletons to be Rose and Bernard's bodies after the hydro bomb went off.
Ok, I know there are a ton of other questions that will not be answered and most of them I can live with or have forgotten about, but that break in continuity just really bugs me.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Lost has become Lost
*Disclaimer: If you don't watch Lost, feel free to leave now.
Many better authors have penned pages upon pages on all the hidden meanings, clues and lessons behind the brilliant show that is Lost, so I will not attempt to add my two cents as I generally just watch the show for enjoyment and then glean any extra tidbits from scouring the Internet. I do, though, have to comment on the last two episodes, "Across the Sea" and "What They Died For."
While "Across the Sea" was informative (some what) and interesting (I guess), I felt it totally broke the stride of the season. In "The Candidate", we lost three beloved characters and then they interject this slow paced, set way back in time, allegory surrounding the myth of the island and the origins of two characters that, while somewhat essential to the overall story, are not the audiences' main focus. If they would have placed this episode near the front of the season, I may have been ok with it, but maybe not.
The more I think about the show starting with season 1 through season 6 as a whole, it seems to be "Lost" itself from the original intentions. I realize that when a creator begins a project that they may have no way of knowing exactly where it should go, but somewhere the stories of the characters were forgotten and instead this game being played between two men that started thousands of years ago became the main focus. And while those who study the show keep touting that the main theme is redemption, that lesson has been set aside as well. It seems the main theme now is protecting this holy light that radiates from the center of the island that we, the audience, just learned about one episode ago. (And yes, it's as weird as it sounds if you continued to read this if you haven't watched a single episode) WTF? (What the Face?! ha ha Modern Family shout out)
I wish the writers would have taken last night's "what They Died For" dropped the sideways story and injected flashbacks of Jacob and the MIB's origin. Then they could have taken the sideways story from last night and paired it with the island story for a new episode. You know, like the characters dealing with the deaths of three people who had been with them since the beginning!?! Or something. It's just really frustrating that with only 3 hours left, the writers throw a sleeper of an episode in there.
Right now, I'm at the point where I'm ready for it to end already. Let's see the big finale and then get on with our lives.
Many better authors have penned pages upon pages on all the hidden meanings, clues and lessons behind the brilliant show that is Lost, so I will not attempt to add my two cents as I generally just watch the show for enjoyment and then glean any extra tidbits from scouring the Internet. I do, though, have to comment on the last two episodes, "Across the Sea" and "What They Died For."
While "Across the Sea" was informative (some what) and interesting (I guess), I felt it totally broke the stride of the season. In "The Candidate", we lost three beloved characters and then they interject this slow paced, set way back in time, allegory surrounding the myth of the island and the origins of two characters that, while somewhat essential to the overall story, are not the audiences' main focus. If they would have placed this episode near the front of the season, I may have been ok with it, but maybe not.
The more I think about the show starting with season 1 through season 6 as a whole, it seems to be "Lost" itself from the original intentions. I realize that when a creator begins a project that they may have no way of knowing exactly where it should go, but somewhere the stories of the characters were forgotten and instead this game being played between two men that started thousands of years ago became the main focus. And while those who study the show keep touting that the main theme is redemption, that lesson has been set aside as well. It seems the main theme now is protecting this holy light that radiates from the center of the island that we, the audience, just learned about one episode ago. (And yes, it's as weird as it sounds if you continued to read this if you haven't watched a single episode) WTF? (What the Face?! ha ha Modern Family shout out)
I wish the writers would have taken last night's "what They Died For" dropped the sideways story and injected flashbacks of Jacob and the MIB's origin. Then they could have taken the sideways story from last night and paired it with the island story for a new episode. You know, like the characters dealing with the deaths of three people who had been with them since the beginning!?! Or something. It's just really frustrating that with only 3 hours left, the writers throw a sleeper of an episode in there.
Right now, I'm at the point where I'm ready for it to end already. Let's see the big finale and then get on with our lives.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Swing Batter, Batter
**Edited to Add** Well, we received the email for the team and he didn't make it. It's ok though, I hurriedly printed out invitations for his Birthday and we'll go see Shrek instead. :) Thanks for the well wishes.
Peyton had try outs last night for the All Star team, or as they called it, the "Select Team" ooooohhhhhhhh . . . .
In all honesty though, it was an honor. There are about 125 kids in the league and he was one of 26 or so that were picked to try out for the 12 player team. While he wasn't on the low end of the scale, there were a few kids who were definitely better than him, so I don't think he will make the team. But that's ok. He didn't play last year, so this is really his first year as an older child and he's done unbelievably well. Especially considering we don't get out and practice with him and his coaches aren't the greatest.
It was actually pretty crazy how good a couple of the kids are. One little boy, who goes to school with Peyton and his mom and I are somewhat friends, is just amazing. I would say he's probably even Bandit material. ha ha This little boy, D, hit almost every pitch thrown his way and fielded like nobodies business. But then again, he plays for the City and on a traveling league, so they are at the field 6 to 7 nights a week. That's just insane. I don't know how his mom does it.
What really cracked me up though, was some of the parents, these are even parents that I know, they were almost biting their nails watching their sons try out. Like it was the end of the world if their child didn't get picked to represent our City in this tournament. Maybe it's because Peyton's not so intense about it, that I'm not, but I don't think so. You know, have fun with them, get excited for them, but please remember they are 7 and 8 and this will probably not be their life long career.
So they are going to post the results tomorrow afternoon and we will see. Peyton asked 'what happens if I don't make the team?" I said, "well, you just don't get to play that weekend and we celebrate your birthday instead." And he seemed ok with it. He may be disappointed, but I don't think he'll be too upset over it. We have decided to sign him up for Winter Ball though, which I've been told is a lot more organized and better coached. And he still wants to play soccer, so we are definitely taking this summer off! Momma needs a break.
Peyton had try outs last night for the All Star team, or as they called it, the "Select Team" ooooohhhhhhhh . . . .
In all honesty though, it was an honor. There are about 125 kids in the league and he was one of 26 or so that were picked to try out for the 12 player team. While he wasn't on the low end of the scale, there were a few kids who were definitely better than him, so I don't think he will make the team. But that's ok. He didn't play last year, so this is really his first year as an older child and he's done unbelievably well. Especially considering we don't get out and practice with him and his coaches aren't the greatest.
It was actually pretty crazy how good a couple of the kids are. One little boy, who goes to school with Peyton and his mom and I are somewhat friends, is just amazing. I would say he's probably even Bandit material. ha ha This little boy, D, hit almost every pitch thrown his way and fielded like nobodies business. But then again, he plays for the City and on a traveling league, so they are at the field 6 to 7 nights a week. That's just insane. I don't know how his mom does it.
What really cracked me up though, was some of the parents, these are even parents that I know, they were almost biting their nails watching their sons try out. Like it was the end of the world if their child didn't get picked to represent our City in this tournament. Maybe it's because Peyton's not so intense about it, that I'm not, but I don't think so. You know, have fun with them, get excited for them, but please remember they are 7 and 8 and this will probably not be their life long career.
So they are going to post the results tomorrow afternoon and we will see. Peyton asked 'what happens if I don't make the team?" I said, "well, you just don't get to play that weekend and we celebrate your birthday instead." And he seemed ok with it. He may be disappointed, but I don't think he'll be too upset over it. We have decided to sign him up for Winter Ball though, which I've been told is a lot more organized and better coached. And he still wants to play soccer, so we are definitely taking this summer off! Momma needs a break.
Monday, May 03, 2010
Muddling Through
A fellow blogger, Leah (Califmom), lost her husband to cancer a few days ago and it really struck a cord with me. I think about her often, how she is coping, how her kids are fairing, what hell she must be going through. Through her blog and the support of her friends, they took a very vocal stance against cancer and expressed their feelings rather boldly, feelings most of us would like to say, but may not speak aloud.
Whenever she would tweet about her husband, or write a post about him, she always interjected this phase or used the hashmarks. When that tweet came, simply, "he's gone", I immediately sent my condolences. A stranger sending their thoughts and prayers over the expanse of the Internet. I thought for a second about not including her tell-tail hashmark behind it, knowing people that I went to church with follow my tweets, but in the end, I did. #fuckcancer
Words, you think, as a Christian, you aren't supposed to say, but sometimes, they are the only ones that express the frustration and the hatred and the anger you really feel.
I don't know Leah. Couldn't tell you what she believes, or where her heart is, and just reading her blog, just like any other blog, doesn't give you the complete picture. I may have formed an opinion and it may have been dead wrong. Leah posted this recently Snippets in Time and you know, whether or not she believes exactly like I do, I think she nailed it right on the head with her thoughts on God.
Whether or not I admit it here (or even to myself) and I know it's not been near as hard a year as Leah as had, these past few months have been rough. Here is Leah's last paragraph though and a lesson to us all
"If this past year has taught me anything, it is that I can lean hard on my God. He can handle it all. Every priest and pastor who has counseled me along the way has said just that. The error comes in thinking that He cannot, in thinking that we have to shoulder the fear, anger, frustration, and hate ourselves. We don’t. It is not our job. God can even handle the F-bomb. You’d be amazed."
I think it boils down to, even if it is part of God's plan, which we know it all is, sometimes, the f-bomb is all we can use to describe what we are going through and I agree with Leah, I think He can handle it and He may even agree with us.
Whenever she would tweet about her husband, or write a post about him, she always interjected this phase or used the hashmarks. When that tweet came, simply, "he's gone", I immediately sent my condolences. A stranger sending their thoughts and prayers over the expanse of the Internet. I thought for a second about not including her tell-tail hashmark behind it, knowing people that I went to church with follow my tweets, but in the end, I did. #fuckcancer
Words, you think, as a Christian, you aren't supposed to say, but sometimes, they are the only ones that express the frustration and the hatred and the anger you really feel.
I don't know Leah. Couldn't tell you what she believes, or where her heart is, and just reading her blog, just like any other blog, doesn't give you the complete picture. I may have formed an opinion and it may have been dead wrong. Leah posted this recently Snippets in Time and you know, whether or not she believes exactly like I do, I think she nailed it right on the head with her thoughts on God.
Whether or not I admit it here (or even to myself) and I know it's not been near as hard a year as Leah as had, these past few months have been rough. Here is Leah's last paragraph though and a lesson to us all
"If this past year has taught me anything, it is that I can lean hard on my God. He can handle it all. Every priest and pastor who has counseled me along the way has said just that. The error comes in thinking that He cannot, in thinking that we have to shoulder the fear, anger, frustration, and hate ourselves. We don’t. It is not our job. God can even handle the F-bomb. You’d be amazed."
I think it boils down to, even if it is part of God's plan, which we know it all is, sometimes, the f-bomb is all we can use to describe what we are going through and I agree with Leah, I think He can handle it and He may even agree with us.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Flashback Friday - We're having a Baby!
Six years ago yesterday, I took a pregnancy test at work and confirmed what I already knew, we were pregnant with our second child. I'm sure there is a blog post about it somewhere, back in my Diaryland archives, but work is blocking me from accessing that.
We were trying to have a second child and thankfully, one round of clomid did the trick. Apparently, when I ovulate, Larry and I are actually pretty fertile.
I was so excited to be pregnant again. The pregnancy progressed almost exactly like my first. Morning sickness the first trimester. Large roundness by the end. Extreme largeness. By the last week or two, I was begging my ob to induce me and he took such pity on me, that he booked two hospitals to make sure I got in to at least one of them.
Thinking back on that time, of course, brings about what I now refer to is "all that happened in January." I'm still not sure how to address or talk about that. I still feel at times I am leading a double life, much like Gwyneth Paltrow's character in Sliding Doors. I'll pause and think, right now I should be 15 weeks. Or right now, I wouldn't be drinking this glass of wine or wearing these clothes. Right now, I would be feeling the baby move. A lot of right nows, I would be. But I'm not.
And while I haven't decided against it, I know intellectually, a baby/toddler/child/teenager is really not what we need right now. Life is already so chaotic with school and homework and sports, that I wonder how we would have fit another life into the mix, even though I know we would have found a way. And then there's the ease that is our life right now amidst the chaos. The boys can entertain themselves. They both know how to swim and ride their bikes and now even tie their shoes.
I'm really trying to focus on the boys more and appreciate them. Concentrate on raising them to be good, Godly men. Oh, but when I am out and someone has their baby, I just want to snatch them and inhale the newborn scent. Munch on their cheeks and thighs. Listen to that first giggle and those sweet little baby noises.
The time goes by so fast. Gosh, Shey was such an easy baby. He slept for hours at a time and rarely cried. I remember calling mom and saying, he sleeps so much! What's wrong? and she replied, that's normal. Peyton never slept. Thankfully he does now.
My little entertainer. Man, I love this kid.
And smart, boy is he smart. Not to brag, ok, to brag. He can count to 100, spell all his colors, knows all his ABCs and their sounds, he's picking up sight words, can now ride a bike and tie his shoes. His pre-K teachers say he's ready for second grade, but I think that's a little high. ha ha He's definitely ready for kindergarten though.
So, even though thinking of pregnancy tests and babies right now, is bitter sweet, this is one time I cherish the thought and am thankful for every little minute.
We were trying to have a second child and thankfully, one round of clomid did the trick. Apparently, when I ovulate, Larry and I are actually pretty fertile.
I was so excited to be pregnant again. The pregnancy progressed almost exactly like my first. Morning sickness the first trimester. Large roundness by the end. Extreme largeness. By the last week or two, I was begging my ob to induce me and he took such pity on me, that he booked two hospitals to make sure I got in to at least one of them.
Thinking back on that time, of course, brings about what I now refer to is "all that happened in January." I'm still not sure how to address or talk about that. I still feel at times I am leading a double life, much like Gwyneth Paltrow's character in Sliding Doors. I'll pause and think, right now I should be 15 weeks. Or right now, I wouldn't be drinking this glass of wine or wearing these clothes. Right now, I would be feeling the baby move. A lot of right nows, I would be. But I'm not.
And while I haven't decided against it, I know intellectually, a baby/toddler/child/teenager is really not what we need right now. Life is already so chaotic with school and homework and sports, that I wonder how we would have fit another life into the mix, even though I know we would have found a way. And then there's the ease that is our life right now amidst the chaos. The boys can entertain themselves. They both know how to swim and ride their bikes and now even tie their shoes.
I'm really trying to focus on the boys more and appreciate them. Concentrate on raising them to be good, Godly men. Oh, but when I am out and someone has their baby, I just want to snatch them and inhale the newborn scent. Munch on their cheeks and thighs. Listen to that first giggle and those sweet little baby noises.
The time goes by so fast. Gosh, Shey was such an easy baby. He slept for hours at a time and rarely cried. I remember calling mom and saying, he sleeps so much! What's wrong? and she replied, that's normal. Peyton never slept. Thankfully he does now.
My little entertainer. Man, I love this kid.
And smart, boy is he smart. Not to brag, ok, to brag. He can count to 100, spell all his colors, knows all his ABCs and their sounds, he's picking up sight words, can now ride a bike and tie his shoes. His pre-K teachers say he's ready for second grade, but I think that's a little high. ha ha He's definitely ready for kindergarten though.
So, even though thinking of pregnancy tests and babies right now, is bitter sweet, this is one time I cherish the thought and am thankful for every little minute.
Friday, April 02, 2010
Key West Sunset
I downloaded The Pioneer Woman's actions for Adobe Elements and had so much fun using them on our photos from Key West. We had a great time just lounging around and walking the streets, shopping, drinking and eating. We were only able to get out on our friend's boat once, but thankfully, the sunset was realy nice that night and I was able to get some great photos.
I will admit that I used the boost action on a lot of these, which will make almost any photo look better. Now I just have to decide where I can hang all these photos.
I will admit that I used the boost action on a lot of these, which will make almost any photo look better. Now I just have to decide where I can hang all these photos.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Bedroom Remodel and Some Random Photos
I have FINALLY figured out how to really use the macro function on my camera and have been enjoying using it lately.
These are the wild roses that bloom on a random bush we received from Larry's aunt and uncle.
This is one of our cats and this is pretty much what they do ALL DAY LONG. Larry frequently says that he wants to come back as our cats. ha
About a year and a half ago, Larry and I went out and bought grown up furniture for our bedroom and I finally have decided to "remodel" our bedroom in an effort to have one room totally decorated. Here's an overview.
And yes, I need to buy a comforter for the bed, but I've been putting it off. The dark brown "cover" is actually a throw I bought from Wal-mart for the couch, but it was so cold this winter, that it was turned into a makeshift blanket for the bed.
I bought this great vinyl tree from e-bay and then the little frames came from Wal-mart for $1.50. This is the first photo Larry and I took together on my first trip to see him.
I finally replaced the $20.00 lamps I bought at Wal-mart about 12 years ago with these from Home Goods. They look so much better in our room than the glass ones we had before.
This mirror, we got from Larry's uncle a long time ago and I spray painted it a dark brown. It was a gold color and really didn't match, but I always liked it. My mom calls it the Magic Mirror from Snow White. I bought the vinyl words above the bed from Target. Awwww, aren't they sweet and actually a good reminder to never go to bed angry.
And finally, this candle is great! I smelled it first in a local restaurant that Larry and I love and after asking around, I found out they bought it at Publix! You have to get the Cinnamon Buns scent though. It's smells so good without being overly sweet and it's only $9.99.
So there we go, a little upgrade to our bedroom. I really love it though and I'm looking around for a comforter to finish it off.
These are the wild roses that bloom on a random bush we received from Larry's aunt and uncle.
This is one of our cats and this is pretty much what they do ALL DAY LONG. Larry frequently says that he wants to come back as our cats. ha
About a year and a half ago, Larry and I went out and bought grown up furniture for our bedroom and I finally have decided to "remodel" our bedroom in an effort to have one room totally decorated. Here's an overview.
And yes, I need to buy a comforter for the bed, but I've been putting it off. The dark brown "cover" is actually a throw I bought from Wal-mart for the couch, but it was so cold this winter, that it was turned into a makeshift blanket for the bed.
I bought this great vinyl tree from e-bay and then the little frames came from Wal-mart for $1.50. This is the first photo Larry and I took together on my first trip to see him.
I finally replaced the $20.00 lamps I bought at Wal-mart about 12 years ago with these from Home Goods. They look so much better in our room than the glass ones we had before.
This mirror, we got from Larry's uncle a long time ago and I spray painted it a dark brown. It was a gold color and really didn't match, but I always liked it. My mom calls it the Magic Mirror from Snow White. I bought the vinyl words above the bed from Target. Awwww, aren't they sweet and actually a good reminder to never go to bed angry.
And finally, this candle is great! I smelled it first in a local restaurant that Larry and I love and after asking around, I found out they bought it at Publix! You have to get the Cinnamon Buns scent though. It's smells so good without being overly sweet and it's only $9.99.
So there we go, a little upgrade to our bedroom. I really love it though and I'm looking around for a comforter to finish it off.
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Help us Moms, Lord
Mom forwarded me this e-mail devotion and I really liked it, so I'm reproducing it here. The author isLysa TerKeurst
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:5 (NIV)
I wanted to tap the two girls sitting on the front row at our church service. And fuss at them in a not so gentle way I tell you. But they were five rows ahead of me and my arm couldn't quite reach.
Since I couldn't physically get their attention, I prepared my "look." You know the one that says a thousand corrective statements with just a cross expression and a raised eyebrow? Yes, that one.
The minute one of them stole a glance in my direction, they were going to know exactly how I felt about their wiggling and obvious lack of attention during the service. Oh, and I should mention, these two gir ls belonged to me. Well, at least one of them did. The other was my daughter's friend who sometimes goes to church with us.
I don't think anyone else really noticed them. They weren't being disruptive to other people. But they weren't acting the way I wanted them to. I wanted them sitting up straight, drinking in the message, and taking notes.
Suddenly, an annoying little thought started to tug at the corners of my mind. "You want your children to act perfectly because it makes you look good. Let that go. They don't need to be sitting up straight furiously taking notes to hear God's message. This is a beautiful time for grace."
Ouch.
I don't much like the Holy Spirit speaking the kind of truth to me that hurts. I was in the mood to fuss at somebody. Two somebodies. Give grace? Now? It wasn't what I wanted but it's exactly what I needed to do in that moment. Soon my daughter's friend peered back to look at me. Despite my feelings, I made the c hoice to smile, wink, and give her a little wave.
Then this wiggly, usually not very affectionate, middle schooler got out of her seat. She walked down the aisle, five rows back, and made her way to me. She threw her arms around me and gave me a hug that preached a thousand sermons right then and there.
Indeed, grace was exactly what was needed in that moment. The rest of the service she sat attentive beside me and even asked a few questions on the way home.
And that's what makes this parenting thing so hard. There are really no textbook answers. It's such a moment by moment balancing act between loving, shepherding, disciplining, extending grace, molding, modeling, loving some more and fussing a little along the way too.
The only way I can navigate this balancing act is to stay close to God. Really close. Rather than seeing God as far off, I have to rely on him as a desperate daughter who needs her Daddy.
Philippians 4:6 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I like that verse but without quoting it in context, it's stripped of its power. The last 4 words of Philippians 4:5 are the power source that unlocks the peace of God that transcends all understanding.
Those four words are, "The Lord is near."
And because He's near, we don't have to be anxious- we can ask our Lord what to do, how to react, when to discipline and when to give grace. James 1:5 reminds me, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." Only God can prepare me with the wisdom and discernment necessary for each and every parenting moment. So I must stay close to Him- ask Him- rely on Him- cry out to Him- and make Him the basis for my parenting.
My goal should never be to raise kids that make me look good. (But, oh, how my flesh craves this!) My goal should be to ask God moment by moment for wisdom to know how to raise kids who proclaim God's goodness in their hearts.
Blessings to you as you ever so delicately search for that balance between discipline and grace as well.
Dear Lord, I am asking for wisdom today to know how to best raise my kids. Help me to know when to discipline and when to give grace. Help me sense Your nearness so I don't feel so alone and overwhelmed with this task of being a mom. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:5 (NIV)
I wanted to tap the two girls sitting on the front row at our church service. And fuss at them in a not so gentle way I tell you. But they were five rows ahead of me and my arm couldn't quite reach.
Since I couldn't physically get their attention, I prepared my "look." You know the one that says a thousand corrective statements with just a cross expression and a raised eyebrow? Yes, that one.
The minute one of them stole a glance in my direction, they were going to know exactly how I felt about their wiggling and obvious lack of attention during the service. Oh, and I should mention, these two gir ls belonged to me. Well, at least one of them did. The other was my daughter's friend who sometimes goes to church with us.
I don't think anyone else really noticed them. They weren't being disruptive to other people. But they weren't acting the way I wanted them to. I wanted them sitting up straight, drinking in the message, and taking notes.
Suddenly, an annoying little thought started to tug at the corners of my mind. "You want your children to act perfectly because it makes you look good. Let that go. They don't need to be sitting up straight furiously taking notes to hear God's message. This is a beautiful time for grace."
Ouch.
I don't much like the Holy Spirit speaking the kind of truth to me that hurts. I was in the mood to fuss at somebody. Two somebodies. Give grace? Now? It wasn't what I wanted but it's exactly what I needed to do in that moment. Soon my daughter's friend peered back to look at me. Despite my feelings, I made the c hoice to smile, wink, and give her a little wave.
Then this wiggly, usually not very affectionate, middle schooler got out of her seat. She walked down the aisle, five rows back, and made her way to me. She threw her arms around me and gave me a hug that preached a thousand sermons right then and there.
Indeed, grace was exactly what was needed in that moment. The rest of the service she sat attentive beside me and even asked a few questions on the way home.
And that's what makes this parenting thing so hard. There are really no textbook answers. It's such a moment by moment balancing act between loving, shepherding, disciplining, extending grace, molding, modeling, loving some more and fussing a little along the way too.
The only way I can navigate this balancing act is to stay close to God. Really close. Rather than seeing God as far off, I have to rely on him as a desperate daughter who needs her Daddy.
Philippians 4:6 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I like that verse but without quoting it in context, it's stripped of its power. The last 4 words of Philippians 4:5 are the power source that unlocks the peace of God that transcends all understanding.
Those four words are, "The Lord is near."
And because He's near, we don't have to be anxious- we can ask our Lord what to do, how to react, when to discipline and when to give grace. James 1:5 reminds me, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." Only God can prepare me with the wisdom and discernment necessary for each and every parenting moment. So I must stay close to Him- ask Him- rely on Him- cry out to Him- and make Him the basis for my parenting.
My goal should never be to raise kids that make me look good. (But, oh, how my flesh craves this!) My goal should be to ask God moment by moment for wisdom to know how to raise kids who proclaim God's goodness in their hearts.
Blessings to you as you ever so delicately search for that balance between discipline and grace as well.
Dear Lord, I am asking for wisdom today to know how to best raise my kids. Help me to know when to discipline and when to give grace. Help me sense Your nearness so I don't feel so alone and overwhelmed with this task of being a mom. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Flash Back Friday - My Love
In late February of 1997, AOL was picking up steam and the sounds of, well, the electronic sounds of logging in via dial up were making their way across the country. My roommate and I shared a computer and time on this new fangled Internet or the World Wide Web. I logged in one evening searching for a fun chat room to kill an hour or two. At that time, people actually conversed in chat rooms and it wasn't a scary place that may be featured on Dateline sometime in the near future.
That night, I chose the room Friends First. I had a boyfriend, wasn't necessarily looking to exchange him, but I was keeping my options open. There was a lively discussion going between the 20 or so people in the room and I was quickly swept up in some random conversation or another. Over a bit of time, I was lured into one conversation over all the others between two girls, one with apple something or other in her username, and a guy, Romeo19. As the girls bantered back and forth, a sent a private message to Romeo asking him if he thought they were gay.
I'm don't remember Romeo's exact response, but I do remember that we kept our private conversation going that night and decided on a time to meet up again. Over the next month, e-mails were exchanged, letters were written and many chats were had in a private chat room. The first time we spoke on the phone, we were both taken aback. Romeo spoke very fast, with barely an accent at all. I, on the other hand, had a thick southern twang. We overcame though and talked well into the night, like we had known each other for years.
It wasn't long before I planned on making the drive down the state of Florida to meet with Larry. My roommate was going to come with me and she knew a Miami cop that was going to let us stay with him over the weekend. She backed out though at the last minute, and I was on my own, driving 12 hours south to stay with a man I didn't know in order to meet a man I didn't know.
Looking at that sentence now, it's ridiculously stupid what I did, but I was young, in love and invincible.
I left about 7 o'clock on Friday night and drove through the night. I smoked then and kept myself awake and entertained by having a cigarette every 30 minutes. Whenever I started dosing as I drove, I would pull over and sleep 30 minutes or so at the rest stop. The 700 mile or so trip took me over 13 hours. Then I got lost in Miami.
Thankfully, I had the good sense to pull over and give the Miami cop a call and as luck would have it, his apartment was really close. He met me at the gas station and I followed him back to his house. I didn't have a cell phone then, so I had to call Larry once I arrived and then he had to make the 45 minute drive south to meet me.
We still laugh about our first "date". In an effort of showing me the local culture, we stopped at a little Cuban cafe to have lunch. Hello, Alabama girl here! Larry ordered a Cuban sandwich and in an effort to not gross myself out, I ordered a hot dog. Then I had to eat said hot dog in front of this boy that I had just met.
It was great though and after the first 5 minutes of wow, you're a stranger, we were fine and comfortable and loving each other.
For nine months, we wrote and called and made trips when we could before Larry moved to Alabama for six months to finish out my lease. We both still have all the letters we sent during that time. 13 years. Wow. How time has moved swiftly by.
On a relatively new invention, amidst millions of people, in a random chat room, I met my best friend and my love. Through the ups and downs, the heartaches and laughs, two children, three dogs and two cats and a mean ass bird, we remain us.
Appropriately, on our wedding invitation, we featured the following saying,
Today I marry my best friend,
The one I laugh with, live for, love.
And I think it hold truer today than ever.
That night, I chose the room Friends First. I had a boyfriend, wasn't necessarily looking to exchange him, but I was keeping my options open. There was a lively discussion going between the 20 or so people in the room and I was quickly swept up in some random conversation or another. Over a bit of time, I was lured into one conversation over all the others between two girls, one with apple something or other in her username, and a guy, Romeo19. As the girls bantered back and forth, a sent a private message to Romeo asking him if he thought they were gay.
I'm don't remember Romeo's exact response, but I do remember that we kept our private conversation going that night and decided on a time to meet up again. Over the next month, e-mails were exchanged, letters were written and many chats were had in a private chat room. The first time we spoke on the phone, we were both taken aback. Romeo spoke very fast, with barely an accent at all. I, on the other hand, had a thick southern twang. We overcame though and talked well into the night, like we had known each other for years.
It wasn't long before I planned on making the drive down the state of Florida to meet with Larry. My roommate was going to come with me and she knew a Miami cop that was going to let us stay with him over the weekend. She backed out though at the last minute, and I was on my own, driving 12 hours south to stay with a man I didn't know in order to meet a man I didn't know.
Looking at that sentence now, it's ridiculously stupid what I did, but I was young, in love and invincible.
I left about 7 o'clock on Friday night and drove through the night. I smoked then and kept myself awake and entertained by having a cigarette every 30 minutes. Whenever I started dosing as I drove, I would pull over and sleep 30 minutes or so at the rest stop. The 700 mile or so trip took me over 13 hours. Then I got lost in Miami.
Thankfully, I had the good sense to pull over and give the Miami cop a call and as luck would have it, his apartment was really close. He met me at the gas station and I followed him back to his house. I didn't have a cell phone then, so I had to call Larry once I arrived and then he had to make the 45 minute drive south to meet me.
We still laugh about our first "date". In an effort of showing me the local culture, we stopped at a little Cuban cafe to have lunch. Hello, Alabama girl here! Larry ordered a Cuban sandwich and in an effort to not gross myself out, I ordered a hot dog. Then I had to eat said hot dog in front of this boy that I had just met.
It was great though and after the first 5 minutes of wow, you're a stranger, we were fine and comfortable and loving each other.
For nine months, we wrote and called and made trips when we could before Larry moved to Alabama for six months to finish out my lease. We both still have all the letters we sent during that time. 13 years. Wow. How time has moved swiftly by.
On a relatively new invention, amidst millions of people, in a random chat room, I met my best friend and my love. Through the ups and downs, the heartaches and laughs, two children, three dogs and two cats and a mean ass bird, we remain us.
Appropriately, on our wedding invitation, we featured the following saying,
Today I marry my best friend,
The one I laugh with, live for, love.
And I think it hold truer today than ever.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Flashback Friday - MamMaw
In honor ofMaternal Grandmothers, here are some of my memories of my mom's mom or Mammaw.
Games - Mammaw loved to play games. Mom still plays with her now at the nursing home, but she's not as quick as she once was and I think mom lets her win most the time. But when I was a child, we played all sorts of games: Trouble, Sorry, Canasta, a lot of Canasta. When we played Trouble and twos popped up, we always said, Oops, a tootie.
Cornbread Dressing - Like Tamara, Cornbread dressing or dressin' was a staple during the holiday season. My dad has taken over the making of the dressin' now, but he always tells Mammaw, it's not as good as yours.
Comparing our nails - Mammaw and I both have crappy nails and when we could grow them out, we always compared them to see whose were the longest.
When I got older and Mammaw moved into the retirement home, mom and I would go pick her up and make trips to the mall or Wal-mart. We'd laugh and cut up. I remember her telling me one time about kissing her cousin, a girl cousin. And then she just went on with the story like it was no big deal and it probably wasn't, but to me, I was floored. There was an amazement that Mammaw had a life before I was born and she was a teenager at one time too.
I hate that now that I am old enough to appreciate these stories, that Mammaw's not really able to share them with me. Due to her muscle/brain atrophy, she mostly observes and doesn't say much anymore as it's often hard to understand her. She still has a sharp tongue though and if something is bothering her, she will get it out.
Even though these last few years have been a bit hard on my mom, taking care of Mammaw and visiting her in the nursing home, I'm glad they've had this time together and I know mom would agree. It is frustrating though that I couldn't be there as well more than I am.
Games - Mammaw loved to play games. Mom still plays with her now at the nursing home, but she's not as quick as she once was and I think mom lets her win most the time. But when I was a child, we played all sorts of games: Trouble, Sorry, Canasta, a lot of Canasta. When we played Trouble and twos popped up, we always said, Oops, a tootie.
Cornbread Dressing - Like Tamara, Cornbread dressing or dressin' was a staple during the holiday season. My dad has taken over the making of the dressin' now, but he always tells Mammaw, it's not as good as yours.
Comparing our nails - Mammaw and I both have crappy nails and when we could grow them out, we always compared them to see whose were the longest.
When I got older and Mammaw moved into the retirement home, mom and I would go pick her up and make trips to the mall or Wal-mart. We'd laugh and cut up. I remember her telling me one time about kissing her cousin, a girl cousin. And then she just went on with the story like it was no big deal and it probably wasn't, but to me, I was floored. There was an amazement that Mammaw had a life before I was born and she was a teenager at one time too.
I hate that now that I am old enough to appreciate these stories, that Mammaw's not really able to share them with me. Due to her muscle/brain atrophy, she mostly observes and doesn't say much anymore as it's often hard to understand her. She still has a sharp tongue though and if something is bothering her, she will get it out.
Even though these last few years have been a bit hard on my mom, taking care of Mammaw and visiting her in the nursing home, I'm glad they've had this time together and I know mom would agree. It is frustrating though that I couldn't be there as well more than I am.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Who Was and Is and Is to Come
I've always loved to sing. If there was one thing I could change about myself, it would probably be that I have an awesome, belting voice. When asked what my favorite music is, I don't really give a genre, but rather my answer usually is anything I can sing along with. I've never sang in front of people though and it's only been recently that I will sing in front of the boys. My best singing is in the car by myself with the radio cranked.
When I first started going to Church by the Glades, their music was definitely a big draw. The lights are low, the band is loud and I can sing along with a chorus of over a thousand people lost in the music. It wasn't long after I started attending that I began listening to WAY FM so I could learn the songs quicker. And what began as a learning tool, quickly became my favorite genre.
There are so many heartfelt, uplifting musicians out there that make great music. Music that I know I can play in my car and not worry about my kids hearing. Music that touches my heart and voices my fears and puts into words feelings that sometimes I can't express.
After the miscarriage, I was angry. So angry. Not at God, but almost everyone else. And then I went numb. And I couldn't listen to my favorite music anymore. It just hurt. So when I finally left the house, rock was on my radio. Loud, pulsing noise that I didn't have to think about. For about two weeks, this was all I could stand.
Sunday was the first time I went back to church after the miscarriage. I kept telling myself we were too busy with the soccer and the soccer and the more soccer, but I'm sure a big part of it was a protection mechanism too. I couldn't handle the emotion. Sunday morning, they sang a few songs that I didn't really know, and then we sang Revelation Song by Phillips, Craig and Dean and yeah, I cried through the whole song, but it was ok. I've always loved the phrase, Who Was and Is and Is to Come and that song just goes straight to my soul.
So, I'm starting to feel again, letting a little emotion creep back in, trying to get things back together. Sometimes it hurts and I'm sure it will for a while, but it will get better and the music will help me through it.
When I first started going to Church by the Glades, their music was definitely a big draw. The lights are low, the band is loud and I can sing along with a chorus of over a thousand people lost in the music. It wasn't long after I started attending that I began listening to WAY FM so I could learn the songs quicker. And what began as a learning tool, quickly became my favorite genre.
There are so many heartfelt, uplifting musicians out there that make great music. Music that I know I can play in my car and not worry about my kids hearing. Music that touches my heart and voices my fears and puts into words feelings that sometimes I can't express.
After the miscarriage, I was angry. So angry. Not at God, but almost everyone else. And then I went numb. And I couldn't listen to my favorite music anymore. It just hurt. So when I finally left the house, rock was on my radio. Loud, pulsing noise that I didn't have to think about. For about two weeks, this was all I could stand.
Sunday was the first time I went back to church after the miscarriage. I kept telling myself we were too busy with the soccer and the soccer and the more soccer, but I'm sure a big part of it was a protection mechanism too. I couldn't handle the emotion. Sunday morning, they sang a few songs that I didn't really know, and then we sang Revelation Song by Phillips, Craig and Dean and yeah, I cried through the whole song, but it was ok. I've always loved the phrase, Who Was and Is and Is to Come and that song just goes straight to my soul.
So, I'm starting to feel again, letting a little emotion creep back in, trying to get things back together. Sometimes it hurts and I'm sure it will for a while, but it will get better and the music will help me through it.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Flashback Friday - My First Valentine
When we were in 4th grade, a new kid started school with us. A little guy by the name of Jonathan Gray. He later became known as J Gray, but that year he was still Jonathan. For some reason, even though I was taller, bigger than most the kids and had a haircut like a boy myself, Jonathan took a shine to me.
It's funny now to think about it. In fourth grade, boys and girls were still kinda scared of each other and I don't remember Jonathan and I talking about him liking me, or "going together" or even hanging out period. However, it never failed, every holiday, he would bring me something and Valentine's was no exception.
If I remember correctly, it was a shiny red heart box of chocolates.
After fourth grade, Jonathan lost his crush and even though we graduated together some 8 years later, I don't remember us ever talking about fourth grade and all my presents.
It's funny now to think about it. In fourth grade, boys and girls were still kinda scared of each other and I don't remember Jonathan and I talking about him liking me, or "going together" or even hanging out period. However, it never failed, every holiday, he would bring me something and Valentine's was no exception.
If I remember correctly, it was a shiny red heart box of chocolates.
After fourth grade, Jonathan lost his crush and even though we graduated together some 8 years later, I don't remember us ever talking about fourth grade and all my presents.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Yes, I am 12 (+20)
Taylor Lautner turns 18 today. It is now legal and not quite so dirty feeling to look at that six pack.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Question
I recently removed the Blogher ads from my side bar. Was anyone using them to access other sites or liked looking at what they had to offer? Just curious.
Friday, February 05, 2010
Pantry Decrapification
I'm not sure what is going on with me. The only reasoning I can figure is that I am making up for the nesting that was taken away from me and in doing so, I am on an organizing/decorating kick.
I've been reading Thrify Decor Chick for a while now and I love, love, love her decorating. But, most the time I look at a project and either I think I could never do it, or I just don't really have the area for it. However, when I saw her Pantry Decrapification, I thought, I can do that! And I have a pantry! And do it, I did.
We ran up to Home Depot Sunday after Shey's game and bought all the supplies and last night, I finally put it all together.
Here is the before. . .
And while this isn't horrible, there was sooooo much food in there that had expired or was just gross.
Observe . . .
And here is the after . . .
And now when I open my closet, little birdies fly around and angels sing.
I've been reading Thrify Decor Chick for a while now and I love, love, love her decorating. But, most the time I look at a project and either I think I could never do it, or I just don't really have the area for it. However, when I saw her Pantry Decrapification, I thought, I can do that! And I have a pantry! And do it, I did.
We ran up to Home Depot Sunday after Shey's game and bought all the supplies and last night, I finally put it all together.
Here is the before. . .
And while this isn't horrible, there was sooooo much food in there that had expired or was just gross.
Observe . . .
And here is the after . . .
And now when I open my closet, little birdies fly around and angels sing.
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
One Word
LOST!!!!!!!
WOO-HOO!
Coming soon, my decrapification (TM Thrifty Decor Chick) of the pantry. I know you can't wait.
WOO-HOO!
Coming soon, my decrapification (TM Thrifty Decor Chick) of the pantry. I know you can't wait.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Thank you
Well, this is hard. Instead of going into all the heartbreaking details, I really just want to say a heartfelt thank you. Thank you for your prayers and your thoughts. Thank you for your e-mails and your telephone calls. Thank you for everything. It helped to know I wasn't alone.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
What was Happening Tuesday o/k/a Hey! We're Pregnant!
On Wednesday, December 30, I decided it was time to stop messing around and just take a pregnancy test already. I was having those tell-tell signs in my uterus and my boobs were huge and ow! did they hurt. No sooner did the pee pass that little square box that the first line popped up, even quicker than the control line. We were pregnant again!
After October's heartbreak, I was a little more weary of getting too excited, but it was hard not to since the line came up so fast. Over the next week, I took 3 more tests and they all came up just as quickly. Last Wednesday, I went in to the doctor for the initial blood work to see what my hCG and progesterone levels were. I wasn't too worried because of all the positive home tests, but went ahead with the tests to confirm. My doctor called me on Wednesday and said that my progesterone was really low (a 6 and they like it to be at least 15) and my hCG was 2,200. He said the hCG was low too and put me at 4 weeks 5 days, even though I thought I was about a week ahead. I didn't get too concerned because my progesterone was low with Peyton as well and as far as the hCG goes, everything I read showed such a wide range that I was curious as to how he came up with such an exact date.
So anyway, I was prescribed progesterone supplements and told to go in Friday morning for repeat blood work. I didn't hear anything from the doctor's office until Tuesday morning when the nurse called at 8:45 that morning. Almost verbatim, this is what she said,
"You hCG came back at only 2,800 and since it is so low, Dr. A said this isn't a viable pregnancy. He wants you to go in for an ultrasound today to make sure it's not ectopic. Stop the progesterone and also, you'll need to go in next week for more blood work to make sure your levels are continuing to decrease."
AS you can imagine, my world just crumbled. I shut the door to my office and cried and cried. After I calmed down a bit, I started praying. And I know it's easier to say this now, but somehow I thought everything would be ok. I wouldn't have been surprised if things weren't, but I was really expecting them to be.
Somehow, I made it to the hospital for the ultrasound without going crazy and they were able to get me right in. Larry was there with me just hanging out in the background trying not to get in the way. Because I am so early, they had to do the ultrasound (TMI!) transvaginally, which is AWKWARD and then I'm trying to look sideways at the screen without just craning my neck.
As soon as the nurse got to where she should be I saw a flicker. I felt my heart start to race, but I was trying to maintain control. Then she zoomed in and there was little peanut, looking just like s/he should with their little heart beating away. I squeaked out, is that the heart beat? The tech looked at me and smiled and nodded quickly and then I lost it. Poor Larry wasn't sure what was going on. He said he saw the heartbeat too, but wasn't sure if it was where it was supposed to be and I was bawling, so he moved up to my foot and said, "Is it ok?" The tech nodded towards me, cause you know they aren't supposed to tell you anything and I just nodded too.
The tech told me she couldn't say anything especially in light of my blood work, but she hinted that everything looked fine. She also asked how far along I was and when I said, between 6 and 7 weeks, we're not sure, she said, well, you are measuring 6 weeks 4 days. So that was perfect too. So much for my doctor thinking I was measuring behind.
Obviously, I'm not stopping the progesterone and I'm about done with blood work. My doctor still wants me to go in next week for more, but I haven't decided if I am or not. I know we aren't out of the woods as with all pregnancies, but I am trusting that God is watching over this little one and all will be fine.
I can't thank you guys enough for all your prayers on Tuesday. I love Facebook. Such an amazing way to reach your prayer support on such a quick basis! Please still keep us and Kristin in your prayers!
And because you made it through all that, here are some pics from the holidays. Finally.
After October's heartbreak, I was a little more weary of getting too excited, but it was hard not to since the line came up so fast. Over the next week, I took 3 more tests and they all came up just as quickly. Last Wednesday, I went in to the doctor for the initial blood work to see what my hCG and progesterone levels were. I wasn't too worried because of all the positive home tests, but went ahead with the tests to confirm. My doctor called me on Wednesday and said that my progesterone was really low (a 6 and they like it to be at least 15) and my hCG was 2,200. He said the hCG was low too and put me at 4 weeks 5 days, even though I thought I was about a week ahead. I didn't get too concerned because my progesterone was low with Peyton as well and as far as the hCG goes, everything I read showed such a wide range that I was curious as to how he came up with such an exact date.
So anyway, I was prescribed progesterone supplements and told to go in Friday morning for repeat blood work. I didn't hear anything from the doctor's office until Tuesday morning when the nurse called at 8:45 that morning. Almost verbatim, this is what she said,
"You hCG came back at only 2,800 and since it is so low, Dr. A said this isn't a viable pregnancy. He wants you to go in for an ultrasound today to make sure it's not ectopic. Stop the progesterone and also, you'll need to go in next week for more blood work to make sure your levels are continuing to decrease."
AS you can imagine, my world just crumbled. I shut the door to my office and cried and cried. After I calmed down a bit, I started praying. And I know it's easier to say this now, but somehow I thought everything would be ok. I wouldn't have been surprised if things weren't, but I was really expecting them to be.
Somehow, I made it to the hospital for the ultrasound without going crazy and they were able to get me right in. Larry was there with me just hanging out in the background trying not to get in the way. Because I am so early, they had to do the ultrasound (TMI!) transvaginally, which is AWKWARD and then I'm trying to look sideways at the screen without just craning my neck.
As soon as the nurse got to where she should be I saw a flicker. I felt my heart start to race, but I was trying to maintain control. Then she zoomed in and there was little peanut, looking just like s/he should with their little heart beating away. I squeaked out, is that the heart beat? The tech looked at me and smiled and nodded quickly and then I lost it. Poor Larry wasn't sure what was going on. He said he saw the heartbeat too, but wasn't sure if it was where it was supposed to be and I was bawling, so he moved up to my foot and said, "Is it ok?" The tech nodded towards me, cause you know they aren't supposed to tell you anything and I just nodded too.
The tech told me she couldn't say anything especially in light of my blood work, but she hinted that everything looked fine. She also asked how far along I was and when I said, between 6 and 7 weeks, we're not sure, she said, well, you are measuring 6 weeks 4 days. So that was perfect too. So much for my doctor thinking I was measuring behind.
Obviously, I'm not stopping the progesterone and I'm about done with blood work. My doctor still wants me to go in next week for more, but I haven't decided if I am or not. I know we aren't out of the woods as with all pregnancies, but I am trusting that God is watching over this little one and all will be fine.
I can't thank you guys enough for all your prayers on Tuesday. I love Facebook. Such an amazing way to reach your prayer support on such a quick basis! Please still keep us and Kristin in your prayers!
And because you made it through all that, here are some pics from the holidays. Finally.
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