Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Who Was and Is and Is to Come

I've always loved to sing. If there was one thing I could change about myself, it would probably be that I have an awesome, belting voice. When asked what my favorite music is, I don't really give a genre, but rather my answer usually is anything I can sing along with. I've never sang in front of people though and it's only been recently that I will sing in front of the boys. My best singing is in the car by myself with the radio cranked.

When I first started going to Church by the Glades, their music was definitely a big draw. The lights are low, the band is loud and I can sing along with a chorus of over a thousand people lost in the music. It wasn't long after I started attending that I began listening to WAY FM so I could learn the songs quicker. And what began as a learning tool, quickly became my favorite genre.

There are so many heartfelt, uplifting musicians out there that make great music. Music that I know I can play in my car and not worry about my kids hearing. Music that touches my heart and voices my fears and puts into words feelings that sometimes I can't express.

After the miscarriage, I was angry. So angry. Not at God, but almost everyone else. And then I went numb. And I couldn't listen to my favorite music anymore. It just hurt. So when I finally left the house, rock was on my radio. Loud, pulsing noise that I didn't have to think about. For about two weeks, this was all I could stand.

Sunday was the first time I went back to church after the miscarriage. I kept telling myself we were too busy with the soccer and the soccer and the more soccer, but I'm sure a big part of it was a protection mechanism too. I couldn't handle the emotion. Sunday morning, they sang a few songs that I didn't really know, and then we sang Revelation Song by Phillips, Craig and Dean and yeah, I cried through the whole song, but it was ok. I've always loved the phrase, Who Was and Is and Is to Come and that song just goes straight to my soul.

So, I'm starting to feel again, letting a little emotion creep back in, trying to get things back together. Sometimes it hurts and I'm sure it will for a while, but it will get better and the music will help me through it.


tamara said...

We sang the same song at church Sunday morning... I know how you feel - the 1st time I went back after finding out my mom's cancer was back, I balled like a baby during the music. Just so you know, I love you dearly!! Always praying for you!

carrie said...

I understand comepletely. I have been praying that you could get over that part of the hurt. It will hurt for sometime. You will get to a point where it does not hurt so bad! Hang in there. I, like you, used music to solve my hurt. Love you and continue to pray. I love the words to this song. I strive to have that wonder that they talk about!

Kristin said...

Thinking of you and loving you. I'm just so, so sorry you are having to hurt. I'm praying.