Wednesday, March 19, 2008

My Stained Glass Masquerade

I'll admit that after reconnecting with some of my high school (and even further back) friends lately on blogger, that I have censored my posts and the information I offer to the blogging community. We went to a small private Christian school and it was an automatic response to keep certain traits and habits hidden. And while I feel I have grown tremendously in the past couple of years in my efforts to reconnect with my upbringing, there are still some activities that I do partake of and hold on to that don't coincide with the 75% of me that is trying to live a more Godly life.

All that being said, there is one habit I am ready (although maybe not all the way willing) to ditch and I am going to put it out there for your prayers and accountability.

I started smoking (cigarettes, not the other) when I was 18 and have continued to do so more on than off the past 12 years. I stopped when I was pregnant and then stupidly picked it back up again after having each boy. I've never been a heavy smoker, 3 maybe 4 a day, and if I needed to, I could go days to a week without having one and be fine, which really just makes it even sillier that I keep it up. I rarely buy my own, content to bum off my friends around me and give them money, or buy their coffee instead.

I only smoke at home when we have friends over, but Peyton is definitely old enough to be influenced and remember it now, so it is time for me to be an adult and quit. If not for my own health, then for my kids.

I haven't had one since Friday, but I also haven't felt well this week, so it's been easier. In a few days when I have my energy back and I'm bored, stressed, or whatever at work, I know I will think "one won't hurt."

So that's it, all out there for everyone to see. And no, while it's not the worst habit in the world, like crack or whatever Amy Winehouse is on, it's not the best either. Please send your thoughts and prayers this way, I'm going to need them.


carrie said...


I am so impressed with your honesty! I use to think that we had to "hide" those secret struggles. In the past few years, my spirtitual life has grown and changed so much. I actually think that we are suppose to do just as you have done, ask for help! None of us a perfect and no bad habit is worse than another. Please know that you will be in my prayers daily! I know that this will not be easy for you, but that you can and will do it. I will pray that you have the strength to withstand it and that your efforts will be blessed! Thanks for showing your heart!

Rebecca said...

We all have things in our lives that we struggle with, if we didn't we wouldn't be human. You are so strong to turn to your friends for their thoughts and prayers. You are going to be in my thoughts and prayers. If you feel the need to just sit down and blog about how you are feeling, just know that we are all here for you. "Be strong and courageous, and do not be afraid, The Lord goes with you each and every day...."
(also-I have a picture I am going to post on my blog that is just for you!)

tamara said...

Everyone has a vice. You know that mine is food. And Captain Morgan, and screaming at my kids, and I better stop there. When you are truly ready to give it up for good, I know you can find the strength. Because God's strength is there for all - even the wretched souls that smoke cigarettes. I am rooting for you!!! Just say no to lung cancer.

Sylvia said...

I thought awhile before I commented on your blog before. My hesitancy came from me not wanting any of you to feel like you had to censor your blog because somebody's mom was reading it. I decided to comment before and now to let you know how much I am praying for you to have strength to get past this. You were always so mature and that is shown now in your sharing this. My dad died on my 50th birthday from COPD and from the time he went to the hospital on Friday until he died on Monday, he was out of his mind from withdrawal. I wish I could have made a video of him and what all he said and did. He "smoked" the edge of the sheet, he smoked imaginary cigarettes, and begged us to let him smoke just one in the bathroom. It was a horrifying experience and no one needs to go through that. You are so smart to realize the effect it will have on your children. I think we can do lots of things for our kids if for no other reason. Hang in there! Many prayers are going to the Father for you today and every day.

Kristin said...

I'll be praying for you. And please don't think any of us think we have it all together. I know I don't. No one does, so stop feeling like you have to hide things. I'm so glad we are all keeping up with each other in this way, but I certainly don't want you to feel like you can't be yourself because of it.

Sylvia said...

I remember ya'll getting in trouble! Wasn't it at Winterfest? What I really remember is the Mother-Daughter retreat to PC! What a disaster! Ya'll might have had fun but me and your mom were just enduring it. I have never gone on a retreat since!

Chelle said...

You can do it. I have faith in you.

Anne said...

I have the same kind of smoking problem you do...i started when my son turned 18 and only a couple a day. I keep a pack of cigarettes at work so i don't smoke any other time. its annoying and i should just drop it... good luck.