Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Raw

I'm a little peeved with someone. I would say I'm not on speaking terms with Him, but in reality over the past few months, I've argued and pleaded and railed to Him more than ever. And in case you haven't figured it out, and want to step away from my blog now lest you be struck by lightning, it's God I'm talking about.

I've been behaving like an obstinate, three year old little girl who repeatedly asks why, why, why all day long.

Why did my grandmother suffer from a disease for most of her adult life that slowly atrophied her muscles to the point that she passed away when her lungs couldn't work anymore?

Why did my best friend's mom beat cancer only to have it return with a vengeance one year shy of her free and clear?

Why did a thirty-four year old woman lose her child mere days before she was due to come into this world and then find out a month later that she is also afflicted with stage four cancer?

And there are so many more examples of heartache and despair that I've heard from friends and family to recount here.

I've gotten pretty raw with God, why are we even here? Why are we programmed to feel human emotions when we are supposed to be striving for spiritual ones? Why are certain people burdened with desires that aren't healthy? Oh, the list goes on and on.

Obviously, I can rationally tell myself it all comes back to sin. The fall in the garden of Eden, but even that leads to an onslaught of whys? Why are we being punished for two peoples' mistake? Why create a world where there's so much misery?

And yes, I can tell myself the answers and I know there is a plan much bigger than me. I know, I know. But when I've walked around the past few months with a constant lump in my throat and on the verge of tears, I'm not really thinking with my head and rational thought escapes me. That little girl comes out and she is fighting mad. Wailing and tearing her clothes, fling herself on the ground, kicking her feet mad.

*Edited to add: I cannot make this stuff up, seriously, 10 minutes after I posted this, two nice ladies came knocking on my door and shared this scripture with me:

Psalms 37: 10-11 A little while, and the wicked will be no more; though you look for them, they will not be found. But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of PEACE.

2 comments:

tamara blair said...

You, my friend, are wrestling with God. Someone did that in the Bible somewhere in the Old Testament, but I can't remember the name. What matters is that God always wins. We can wrestle and question and kick our feet, but He always finds a way to settle our soul and show us the good that will come from the crap. Sometimes he sends two JWs to the door to read you a Scripture. Sometimes He whispers to a 35 year old woman to type a devotional in an email and send it to their bestest friend... :) He provides. And I love you!

Chelle said...

He knows. He understands. He encourages our questions and, when we think we are on the verge of failing Him; He sends a messenger to remind us that He has a plan. In the meantime, I think He just wants us to pray for our friends. And so we will.