Raw

I'm a little peeved with someone. I would say I'm not on speaking terms with Him, but in reality over the past few months, I've argued and pleaded and railed to Him more than ever. And in case you haven't figured it out, and want to step away from my blog now lest you be struck by lightning, it's God I'm talking about.

I've been behaving like an obstinate, three year old little girl who repeatedly asks why, why, why all day long.

Why did my grandmother suffer from a disease for most of her adult life that slowly atrophied her muscles to the point that she passed away when her lungs couldn't work anymore?

Why did my best friend's mom beat cancer only to have it return with a vengeance one year shy of her free and clear?

Why did a thirty-four year old woman lose her child mere days before she was due to come into this world and then find out a month later that she is also afflicted with stage four cancer?

And there are so many more examples of heartache and despair that I've heard from friends and family to recount here.

I've gotten pretty raw with God, why are we even here? Why are we programmed to feel human emotions when we are supposed to be striving for spiritual ones? Why are certain people burdened with desires that aren't healthy? Oh, the list goes on and on.

Obviously, I can rationally tell myself it all comes back to sin. The fall in the garden of Eden, but even that leads to an onslaught of whys? Why are we being punished for two peoples' mistake? Why create a world where there's so much misery?

And yes, I can tell myself the answers and I know there is a plan much bigger than me. I know, I know. But when I've walked around the past few months with a constant lump in my throat and on the verge of tears, I'm not really thinking with my head and rational thought escapes me. That little girl comes out and she is fighting mad. Wailing and tearing her clothes, fling herself on the ground, kicking her feet mad.

*Edited to add: I cannot make this stuff up, seriously, 10 minutes after I posted this, two nice ladies came knocking on my door and shared this scripture with me:

Psalms 37: 10-11 A little while, and the wicked will be no more; though you look for them, they will not be found. But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of PEACE.

Month Twelve

My sweet, sweet baby,

Today you turn ONE YEAR OLD! If this year had gone any faster, you'd be ten. I try and stop almost every day and soak you in, but still the days and weeks fly by.



You're finally walking more, but it seems to be only when you want to and crawling is still faster, so you'll resort to that when necessary. You're definitely a baby on the move and barely sit still except to eat and drink a bottle. We've switched you to soy milk and you did that like a champ, but you're not crazy about the sippy cup. In your mind, only water goes in that cup and you refuse to drink your milk from it yet. It's ok, no one generally goes to college still drinking a bottle, and I doubt you will either.



You're so curious and smart already, figuring things out for yourself. You'll sit and watch Mickey and play for twenty to thirty minutes already. You're pretty much eating whatever we are eating and love bananas.



Things still go in your mouth, but not quite as bad as it was and you've even started giving me and daddy little things you pick up from the ground. We took you to the beach a few weeks ago, and you did great, playing and digging without eating the sand.



You love to make silly faces and noises and it's the quickest way to make you laugh. Your big brothers especially like tempting you with crazy sounds and no one can make you laugh like them. You definitely have your own personality and an idea of how life should be, and if you don't get your way, you're not afraid to show it. Thankfully, you're easily distracted and the screaming doesn't last too long.



Sadly, right before you turned 11 months old, Mammaw, whom you were named after, passed away. I hate you didn't get a chance to know each other better, but I know she's watching over us from Heaven and she loves you very much.

You continue to bring joy and sunshine to my life and I'm so proud to be your Mama!

I love you with all my heart, baby girl.