Watching Over Them

I just finished the novel Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult and if you want to read a novel that will terrify the pants off of you and break your heart in two for the characters, I recommend it.

The novel centers around a school shooting, not unlike Columbine, and dissects it from multiple points of view. It switches between the present and the past in an effort to show how the boy who commits the shooting grew to be the person he was. The reader sees his parent's point of view and their helplessness. The author depicts the merciless teasing of the central character, Peter, and while I was horrified at his retaliation, I could also sympathize with his state of mind.

I cried as I read the account of his mother thinking about how she could have handled Peter better. The thing is, as a parent, we can do all we can, but we can't be there all the time. We love our kids, we pray for them and then we have to let them go.

There are passages in the novel that argue that Peter was not wired to handle the stress, and therefore, he snapped, much like the battered wife who one night turns on her husband and kills him.

I don't know, it was just really thought provoking and chilling.

I worry about Peyton. He has such a distinct personality that I'm not always sure how to handle him. I know I have said this before, but he is such a child of extremes. Whether it is loving or hating. When he hugs me, he takes my breath away, he squeezes so hard and when he's angry, it's like a rage takes over and there's no getting through. The best I can do is send him to his room and separate him from the situation.

Raising him is a circle. His personality elicits a response from us that may not always be favorable, and then our response further solidifies his personality. Does that make any sense? It just makes me tired.

The good thing is, his teacher this year is awesome. I went in this morning to help out and she said that he is becoming a whiz at math and he is so good about staying on task. She is so positive and soft spoken that I know it has been really good for him. I try to remember that he has been so good all day that at home he may just need to let loose sometimes. I also try to remember that God made me his mother for a reason. I just need to figure it out.